Sweet Home.

When you’re asked where ‘home’ is, what comes to mind? Don’t answer just yet. Hear me out…

Is home a place or a person for you? Is it when your heart feels swollen with gratitude? Or in those quiet moments where you can count your own heartbeat? Maybe it’s when you look around and can feel a sense of belonging. Perhaps it’s when you feel grounded, no matter how high you are. Do you feel at home during those weeks when you wipe your own tears, and soothe yourself to sleep? Maybe you’re at home when you take care of self. When you take time.

You are home.  It’s when your center is nowhere else.  But why has it taken so long for us to realize?  Avoidance, maybe? Let’s each decide that truth in our moments of stillness.

For years, home was someone or something else. Right? Your security was ‘out there’ somewhere. Outside of you. For years home was inconsistent. Home was fleeting. Home was never fully as committed as you needed. For years home caused anxiety and doubt. It caused confusion and half-hearted comfort. Home lacked solace. It never honored individuality or growth. Home was control. Home was the newest trend, and it was acceptance from others. Home was some arbitrary finish line. Home was someone else’s dream for you. And in all ways, home always fell short. 

You are home. With all of your beauty wrapped in pain, fear and doubt, home will always be within you.  You are home when you say ‘enough,’ and move forward gracefully. You don’t have to look anywhere else. Home is where you practice forgiveness. When you allow authenticity to beam. Home is where you create space. Space to mess up. Space to fail forward.

Within your own embrace. Home is already right here. 

So, have you made it home yet?

Young Addict.

You were the addict. You can see that now. He was the provider. The love was uneven and you felt every bit of that discomfort you forced yourself through. You knew all along he couldn’t fully supply your needs. You knew all along that your authentic self would never have the opportunity to shine. You were pretending. Shrinking, and making excuses. His best kept secret. You delicately tiptoed through your days and allowed torment to cuddle you through your nights. 

Face the fact that love wasn’t present, queen. Not for yourself and not from him. You enabled his lack of self-love because you knew no better. And because his lack of love mirrored your own. That’s just how it works. You begged for attention. Creating ailments just to capture his sympathy. Just to reassure yourself that he cared, and that your time and commitment had been worth it. You begged him to pretend he loved you. And so your life became a manifestation of your desperation - the universe gave you someone to pretend to love you just as much as you pretended to love yourself...very little. Infrequent. And his ‘infrequency’ eventually disappeared altogether, as you knew it would. Because it had done so before. Then you were left looking at yourself in the mirror. What a broken sight that was. What a painful sight that was. There was no one else to hide behind. You had to sit alone with the truth. And the truth revealed that it was never about him. It was never about any of them. It was about you.

Then came the recovery. You withdrew in order to get better. If you know what that’s like in any capacity, then you know the memory sticks.

Fast forward to now, where you can more clearly see and feel ‘better.’ Better begins the moment we choose to see and accept ourselves, right? It’s the moment when we commit to showing up as the best versions of ourselves and expect the same from others. It’s the moment when we harness the power within ourselves to cultivate beauty in and around us. It’s the moment we realize that we simply cannot go back. You were the addict, chasing what was outside of yourself to fly high. Then you became your own supplier of love, and compassion. Then you watched your life blossom.

Keep as a reminder your past, and don’t ever forget how uneasy that young addiction felt. Grow from it. Learn to love it. It’s apart of you. They’re a part of your story. Most importantly, those memories are what keep you moving forward…

Love,

Nia

Journey Through.

She didn’t know the power of love. Or that it could introduce her to a world like this. She had not the slightest clue that love felt better coming from the inside out. She didn't know how soothing her own words of compassion could be and didn't dare consider the healing power solitude. That’s why she mindlessly chased togetherness.

At one point, there was no such world free of her own debilitating thoughts…

She wasn’t at all familiar with surrender, but eventually was forced to let life become the teacher. Then it all shifted. It got really bad before it got good. But she kept going. Then came a world where empowerment came from forgiveness, peace of mind became a force, and love became her super power.

Just keep going forward.

Love,

Nia

Just, Listen.

He spent over an hour talking about how amazing he was. ‘Peacocking’ for lack of a more colorful word. About all of his growth and healing after nearly 5 years. Of course you were happy for him, why wouldn’t you be? You applaud anyone on a journey to find themself. You commend those brave enough to honor what they find. But all roads led to his successes - the build, the climax and eventually, coasting through life happy, accomplished, and abundant. It all left you speechless.

You were drained. Surely, not at all what you were expecting to feel. You left the table having had no opportunity for your own self expression to shine through.  Not one story, or summary you tried to give reached your ‘worth-the-wait’ punch-line, or your closing power statement of enlightenment. Again, all roads lead back to the validation seeker across form you.

You felt unheard even when you did manage to finish a sentence. Your purpose it seemed, was to just listen and pretend quite skillfully to be enamored. Your engagement was not required and you struggled to re-navigate that space. That familiar but growingly distant territory that consisted of you shrinking and dimming yourself to give security and light to others. It was just as unpleasant as you remembered it to be. That’s why you walked away from that suffocating space, knowing you could never, ever return. You got so tired of pretending to be involved in a dialogue that your participation was not required for. You no longer condoned being interrupted as though your words and your journey were irrelevant. And with this vow in mind, you felt an eagerness to escape that night.

But you did not leave before concluding the following... Listen. Always work intentionally to open your ears and your heart when others are speaking their truth to you. Be curious. Challenge an opposing perspective in a respectful way. That is how you show love. That is how you express that you care. You engage. You put yourself in their shoes and try to experience each story as if you were them. When someone opens up to you there’s a strength they’re trying to harness and when only one party is allowed to show their strength, the other party is left feeling caged into the category of ‘weakness'.

Not everyone will get it. Not everyone you love will get it. You worry about yourself, and be sure to always listen.

Love,

Nia